The door to the dungeons creaked open. Alpha Tobias’ men walked in, and, without much of a glance in my direction, they administered Alexander the wolfsbane shot. I just lied on the floor staring at the ceiling. Since I had spent the first half of the day–or night–either sitting on the cold hard ground or pacing in the cell like a caged tiger, my butt and legs thanked me for being in this position.
The process was the same as yesterday and the day before, and the one before that. They would point a pistol, which I assume was loaded with silver bullets, at me and Alexander would willingly extend his arm through the bars without much of a complaint. They would give him the shot and go their way.
The woman I had by now discovered was called Veronica would come after them to bring us a basket with food. Then, we would be left alone again for hours. How could we be the only two prisoners in here?
As in cue, Veronica dumped the basket inside my cell. She didn’t bother pointing the gun at me anymore. If I tried to jump on her, two things could happen. But, now that my hearing was improving, the sound of the warriors just outside the door was clear.
First, my self-defense training, although lethal for humans, would prove useless against a werewolf like her. My wolf recognized that she was much stronger than she seemed–a Luna she had guessed. Judging by her scent, it made sense, but it was ridiculous. Why would the Alpha allow his Luna to come down to this revolting place?
Second, even if I caught her by surprise in some stroke of luck, the warriors outside would handle my ass in the most sickening ways. Considering the high probability that she was the Luna of this pack or that she was at least related to the Alpha, I wouldn’t dare even raise my voice to her. I might be borderline nihilistic, but I still have some self-preservation instincts.
I sighed, sat up, threw Alexander his food, and started eating mine. Today we got cream cheese for our bagels. If I ever got out of here, I would steer away from bagels for the rest of my life, and probably from doughnuts, just to be sure.
They knew I was sharing food with Alexander, but instead of reprimanding me, they gave me even more food. I was tired of trying to guess their motives for this whole thing. Maybe they wanted to make Alexander more compliant. That would be a huge violation of my human rights. I looked around. Do human rights even exist in the werewolf world?
If the human government locked away some criminal’s ex-wife or family just to manipulate the prisoner, it would be a worldwide scandal. Yet, things worse than what I was living now happened daily in the werewolf world, and no one batted an eye.
Some would say that I should be happy that I was getting food and that I wasn’t being whipped like other prisoners. I bit into my bagel. Yeah, I was ecstatic.
Maybe, I had spent too much time living as a human, far away from all that mate drama, but curiously enough, close to the rogue drama. When I walked down the crowded streets of some large city independent of any pack, no rogue would dare look my way–not when Emmeline was in my arms. They always showed their best facades.
On the other hand, I listened to their stories over tea and coffee, sometimes with cookies. My life had lost meaning long ago, so it wouldn’t have mattered if they hurt me. That was what I had told myself.
Truth to be told, I had been lonely. We moved around too often–for security reasons, Salvador had said, but never nothing concrete. It wasn’t my place to ask. Our arrangement had allowed me to do and get most of the things I wanted–things that the salary of a normal nanny could never afford. I wasn’t to defy his decisions. That meant I couldn’t have kept in contact with any of the human friends I had made. So, I had made friends with monsters who would betray me in a heartbeat but were surprisingly nice to me.
They were always trying to get on my good side–a death wish. Salvador would only let me have tea parties with the ones he would dispose of anyway. My books were his trophies–the lives he had taken.
I didn’t complain. I was just a writer. Their stories made for interesting books. They were glad to show them to the world. They weren’t glad to die for it, but they didn’t know that was the fee until it was too late.
After writing down their crimes for so long, I had become numb to everything. Their gruesome atrocities, sick thoughts and views, and pleas and screams for help didn’t get to me anymore. I felt nothing.
I wrote the stories and thoughts relied upon me with an impartial voice. That should be enough. Some of their secrets, nonetheless, would never leave his private collection. The only stories I had always refused to listen to were those involving my worse half.
I turned away and finished my meal. Alexander was staring again. His gaze was too much for my maiden’s heart. My erratic heartbeat was the proof of it. I was no different from my teenager self. These days had gone well. I had been able to ignore him.
Yesterday had been an exception–a change in pace. They gave us water, soap to shower, and new clothes to wear. They wouldn’t remain clean for long, but it was enough to warm my cheeks whenever I looked in Alexander’s direction. Even though his wolf was absent, just having my wolf near him helped him heal faster. He had put on on some weight.
He was handsome, different from the eighteen-year-old who had inhabited my dreams and nightmares, but undoubtedly gorgeous. The long-sleeve black shirt and dark blue jeans they had given him along with his long hair and beard made him look like he was following a nearly outdated fashion style. He was mouthwatering–an adjective difficult to use under these circumstances but that came to my mind each time I looked at him.
I was probably slowly self-destructing. I’d had the option of focussing on the disgusting rat pee stench or on Alexander’s delicious scent. The choice had been obvious.
We hadn’t exchanged a single word since I told him I didn’t believe him. It had been days of silence. But, I would catch him gazing at me–his curious green eyes shining under the cheap incandescent lights–with his lips slightly quirked upwards in the way one would admire art. He always turned away when my eyes met his.
I was starting to worry. Salvador should have busted me out of here by now. He wouldn’t abandon me, would he? He had said that I was indispensable. However, he hadn’t said that I was irreplaceable. There was a difference. Being indispensable meant that I was the best-qualified one to play a role, but being irreplaceable meant that no one would ever be able to fill my place.
Being indispensable depended solely on me and my qualifications, but irreplaceable always depended on someone else’s feelings and desires. There would always be someone “better” than me–someone stronger, as everyone I had met along the way enjoyed to remind me.
Wait. That had been Alexander’s words. Was I irreplaceable for him? The idea made me happy. Knowing that he had suffered in my absence made me egotistically delighted. I brushed off the feeling. I was mad at the small voice in my mind that was actually pleased that it seemed I wasn’t getting out of here soon.
“Alexander?” I sat cross-legged and stared at him.
He turned and eyed me carefully apparently unsure of how to act. “Yes, Rainey?” Hearing the name they had given me from his mouth makes my heart ache. Was he mad at me? He didn’t have the right to be angry. However, feelings couldn’t be controlled. If that were possible, I would hate him with everything in me. But, I couldn’t.
There was something about the first love. Our thing had been puppy love, born more from familiarity than fate. I had realized how in love I was with my best friend at the tender age of eleven. To be fair, he was the coolest fourteen-year-old ever–my personal hero.
I broke the awkward silence I had created with an excuse to listen to his voice. “What would you do if you ever get out of here?”
“I would get a haircut and shave.” His matter-of-factly tone was hilarious. I could picture him sprinting to the nearest barber to get rid of that mane of his.
“A man who has his priorities straight.”
He smiled. “Hypothetically speaking, if I were to tell you that I adore your lovely smile, what would you say?”
“I would tell you to go get passionately loved by a horse, but I would secretly feel flattered.”
“I adore your lovely smile, and your laugh is melodious.”
“You always say that, but regular people beg to differ. I’ve been compared to a tortured cat and a dying hyena. By the way, I’ll ask our lovelies guards to get you a horse next time they visit.”
“You wouldn’t dare.” He laughed and I forgot how to breathe for a moment.
Being with him in here was like existing in a vacuum. Although we were still at the mercy of this pack, somehow he and I were against them–like the old times. Maybe, I could pretend we were still those people.
“Are you doubting me, Allie?” I batted my eyelashes.
He smirked. “Never, Izzy, but I dare you just in case. And, thank you.”
“I accept your dare. You should be thankful… What are you thanking me for?”
“For sharing your food with me. You didn’t have to and I didn’t deserve it. You were angry but that didn’t stop you.”
“Oh, that was just an excuse to hit you in the head with bagels and bottles of water. Don’t think too much of it.”
“Of course it was. Thank you for that as well.”
“You are very welcome.”
The conversation dried up. It was now up to him to save it. I had nothing to ask him. Never ask questions you didn’t want to learn the answers to, dad used to say.
Alexander scratched the back of his neck. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he actually had fleas. Poor him. “So… What are you doing these days?”
I wasn’t gonna tell him about my life either. “You know, the usual. Being effing awesome, fighting crime in my spare time, helping kittens down from trees and grannies cross the streets.”
“You’ve always been such a gentleman.” He chuckled and my mouth watered. This must be my hormones going wild. But, help me Goddess, in a couple of months I was becoming a wizard–ress.
“Unlike yourself.”
“Ouch, you hurt my heart, my Izzie. I’d always be a gentleman to you.”
That was true. It was one of the main reasons I hated him. I still wanted to beat the crap out him and then kiss him. Nope, no kissing. My thoughts and feelings were all over the place. I was sitting here talking as if we still had a relationship of some sort.
“Izzy?”
“Yeah. You put silk sheets in my queen sized bed, gave me a computer and provided à la Carte food that once you threw me into a cell.” He looked down and sighed. “Just the best for my precious mate.”
I hated that I believed those words. I hated that my heart decided to go all crazy whenever he said something sweet. I hated that, as broken as he was, I could fall in love with him all over again–maybe it was happening right now. I wanted to convince myself that the other half of my soul wanted me.
“I hate you.”
“You should hate me.” He laughed, but there was no joy behind it.
I hugged my legs. “So what have you been up to?”
This brought back memories. If we had blankets and popcorn, it would have been like our almost daily sleepovers in which we would attempt to watch a movie but would end up talking all night–mostly about the future. We couldn’t have known that this would be our future.
“The usual, making friends with the adorable creatures in here. Talking to my delusions. There’s no point ignoring them now.”
“Now? When did you stop taking your meds?”
“A couple of months after I sent you away. It wouldn’t surprise me if you were just an illusion created by my crazy mind.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I had to. Things got out of hand in the pack. The hunters, the rogues, other packs–it was as if they all had it against us. The medicine made me slower, dizzy and weak. Then, when you went MIA my wolf went feral and well…”
Feral wolves usually take over their humans. Their anger and desire to destroy everything was insatiable. Alexander was strong, I had met a feral werewolf before and it was no different to dealing with a rabid dog.
“You should’ve stepped down from your position.”
“Hah… That would have been like the logical choice. But, there was no way I would have admitted it then. Even now, I’m trying to be the best version of myself for you, but you’ve no idea how far gone I am.”
“I can imagine.”
He sighed. “No, you can’t.”
” Maybe, I don’t want to…” I needed to ask the question even if the answer was always the same. I wanted to convince myself that I believed that answer. “Alexander, why did you reject me? I would’ve never let you alone.”
“No. You would’ve died because of me, and I would’ve done worse. At least, I can say that I’ve never killed an innocent.”
“I wouldn’t have died!”
“You went into a building you knew had a freaking bomb to save me.”
I stood up and glared at him. “Hunters are awful, but they are not common. That situation would never repeat itself. Just as you couldn’t leave those kid in there to die, I couldn’t leave you. I got hurt. Big deal! I saved you and survived!”
“At what cost? I healed and you almost lost your hearing. You didn’t even know we are mates.” He didn’t raise his voice. He stayed calm and sweet–how infuriating. “If you did that, what wouldn’t you have done for me?”
I would have done anything for him. He was my world. I plopped down on the floor and buried my head in my arms. Changing the past was impossible. I could just accept the consequences of my actions and try to learn from them.
This conversation was useless. We would never agree on anything. Our time had passed.
“Izzy, I regret having been so weak. I was afraid to even try to keep you by my side. I should have fought for you.” There were the words I had wanted to hear. My eyes were sweaty, and I blinked tears away without lifting my head. I sighed and looked up. My attempt of discreetly wiping off my tears had been as sneaky as a peacock in a hen house.
I sniffled. “Anyway, I’m a writer now.”
Alexander didn’t point out my slip, and for that, I was thankful. “Oh, you are? I knew you had it in you. What do you write about?”
“Some love stories, but mostly fictitious memoirs.” That happened to be non-fictitious at all, but I wouldn’t tell him that.
“Have you written your own love story?” His voice was soft as if he was carefully testing the waters.
My own love story? Was he asking about himself or if he had been replaced? Sadly, he was irreplaceable to me. But, I had fallen in love. Her name was Emmeline and she was six.
“No, I haven’t.” I winked at him, and he shook his head. He knew he wasn’t getting anything more from me.
We talked for a long time about meaningless things, never getting too personal. The conversation drifted to movies because attempting to watch movies was what we did together the most. We used to talk with movies as background noise. Later, we used to kiss with movies as background noise.
“So, why did you stop watching movies? Didn’t you say that movies were… an opportunity to look into another person’s life and taste their happiness or learn from their mistakes?”
“I just stopped enjoying them.” He shrugged his shoulders and stared at the floor. That wasn’t the whole truth.
“Now, you will tell me you stopped reading books too.”
He gave me a look. “Those were our things. They were meaningless without you to argue what the “moral of the story” was with me as we always did.” He chuckled. “Even when you hadn’t even paid attention to the movie or hadn’t finished the book, you were always right.”
My cheeks heated up and my stomach did a somersault. I looked down and covered my face with my hands. “I hate you.”
“I’m starting to believe that you just decided to replace the word love with hate.”
He was probably right. I hated that he could read me so easily. No, this wasn’t okay. Nope. No!
“Don’t push your luck.” I narrowed my eyes at him.
He gulped and put his hands up but that stupid smile wouldn’t leave his face. We kept talking for a long time. I dozed off without even realizing it.
Next thing I knew, I was awakened by the sound of the door. Gosh, put some oil on that thing, I wanted to yell, but I had a mission.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “Excuse me! Could you provide us with a horse?”
The warrior nearest to my cell turned around, his eyebrows scrunched together. “A horse?”
“Yep.”
“Are you trying to be funny? Have you seen the situation you’re in?”
Alexander growled and the warriors jumped away. Even without his wolf, he looked threatening. The difference between some days ago and now was obvious.
“Oh, sorry.”
The warriors left. It seemed that we weren’t getting a horse any time soon. Veronica brought our food and I gave Alexander his portion. We ate in silence.
Alexander had something to say. I knew that much. He finished drinking the milk and turned to me.
“I didn’t think you would do it. That was impulsive and reckless. They could have easily kill you. Don’t you ever put yourself in a situation like that again!”
I swallowed the last piece of my bagel. Yep, no more bagels for me after this. “Aw… You care.”
“Of course I do. What am I going to do with you?” He sighed. “Well, you won the bet. What do you want?”
Oh, this was gonna be awesome.
“The usual.” I snickered.
He laughed. “The usual it is. Which song?”
“Call Me Maybe!”
He groaned. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
“I won fair and square. Now, sing!”
He stood up holding an imaginary mic. “I threw a wish in the well…”
That was all it took to have me rolling on the floor laughing while clutching my belly. He had actually gone through it and kept singing despite my laughter. The contrast of the girly lyrics with his lumberjack wannabe style was too much.
In the end, we ended up singing the whole song together. It was mostly him singing and me gasping for air and trying to keep up with him while laughing. What wouldn’t I do for a recording device now?
“I’m glad you enjoyed.”
“Next time, you’re singing California Gurls.”
“Next time, I won’t lose.” He winked