“Why do you paint?”
Lori and I are sitting on the front steps of the porch. Looking out at the distance across the lake.
Every muscle in my body hurts. Muscles I didn’t even know existed.
After a week of working with Lori, I’ve starting thinking of excuses I could tell him, to get out of training. Like a silent game in my head.
“It’s…just a part of me….,” I feel more open towards Lori. He has a quiet calmness about him that makes me feel safe. Maybe it’s because he’s Francis’s father.
His dark eyes stare at my hands.
“I have OCD.”
I look in confusion at him.
He smiles down at me, “It’s taken me awhile to be able to admit it outloud. But I have it. It’s a part of me also. I understand.”
I feel my heartbeat faster. I bite my lips, and feel my hands close in on themselves as the nails dig into my flesh. I don’t want to voice what I’m thinking outloud. That my painting is not a disorder. Not a compulsion. Not something to be ashamed of, like how the rest of the world views it.
Instead I stay quiet. Because I know Lori is trying to have a heart to heart with me. Thinking that we are connecting in some way. Looking for a similarity within us that we both have that he can draw upon and tie us to.
And now he’s found it.
I don’t want to take it away from him.
I’m already flailing around as it is.
He and Francis whisper among themselves, frustration and anger clear in their words as they talk about how and why I can’t shift.
How they’ve never heard of a wolf rejecting it’s human body before.
Serenity is well traveled.
I’ve learned this throughout the week.
Learned that in her youth, when she should have been taking care of her pack and child, she was off traveling the world, as a wandering healer. She’s only heard of it happening twice- but now she looks at me differently also.
Looks at me with new eyes. I can see she is wondering what horrible thing I did to make my wolf become so disgusted with the body I have.
I don’t blame my wolf though.
I understand why she did it.
“Let’s get back to it then,” Lori groans and stands.
“I have cramps,” I blurt out.
“Nice try Layla, now get up.”
I groan, pushing myself off the steps.
It’s become a game of sorts for me to try to get out of training with my excuses. Lori will laugh at some of them. Others like my female issues, just make him uncomfortable.
“I have a fungus on my foot.”
“I guess we’ll do push ups then.”
“Oh no,” I glance at my arm, “It’s spread to my hands.”
Lori throws his head back, laughing. The sound makes me smile also. I glance at the window and see Serenity out of the corner, watching us. A smile of her own on her face.
I can tell what Lydia means though. Training in a way, does offer some escape. Time flows by quicker. One moment there, the next the sun is dipping down, sighing in relief to relinquish its time over to the moon.
I see the familiar image of Francis driving up in his truck.
“There’s my boy,” I note the pride in Lori’s voice as we stand together, staring at the approaching vehicle.
Francis doesn’t even bother to get out anymore. Instead he waits, idling in the truck as I turn to Lori, waving goodbye.
“See you tomorrow.”
Lori shakes his head, “I convinced Francis you get a break tomorrow. I told him to take you out somewhere.”
I pause and look up at Lori, “You mean…like a date?”
The word sounds foreign in my mouth.
He looks down and smiles, “Honestly you kids. Of course you need to go on one. It’s what I did to win Serenity over.”
He looks over at the window, smiling at his mate.
She smiles back, her blue eyes lighting up at the sight.
“Thanks…,” Lori gives a small chuckle at my hesitance before walking up the steps. “I’ll see you next week Layla.”
I nod and make my way to the truck. Francis says nothing as he reverses out and drives down the road.
“I heard dad tell you.”
I don’t say anything as he sighs and glances at me.
“I cleared my schedule for tomorrow so…,”
“Okay.”
A silence fills the car. I look down at my hands. Blue. I had been trying to paint the lake last night, but to no avail. I was distracted. All I really wanted was to paint him.