I’ve been here before.
This is the first place that Death and I went after I summoned him. That dark castle with no one in it. There isn’t a sound here except for water leaks from the ceiling. Moss grows in the corners. I have been deathly quiet. I am hyper focused on the task at hand.
Ambitions.
I have to give up all my dreams. I had many dreams and many goals in my life. I always believed in reaching the stars. I believed in jumping up with your eyes closed with firm faith that I would be among those stars. Now, I can’t remember half of them.
I raise my chin as Death leads me up the stairs. I reach out and allow my hand to glide against the wet wall. Death is quiet too. He explains things here and there but then he goes back to silence.
I squint as Death opens the rotting door at the end of the staircase. I raise my hand to block out the stinging rays of the sun. I take in the green landscape that is empty but lively. The trees and grassy plains before me contrast starkly with the almost demolished castle.
Time to let go. I promised and I really meant it.
I close my eyes and try to locate the few ambitions I had left. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be loved and cared for. I wanted to be married and have kids. All else is lost to time. This is the only thing I have that I remember.
The teacher was a deep rooted goal because of my own kindergarten teacher. She was an angel to me. I believed she was an angel. She always wore these white dresses and outfits. Her blonde hair and dark skin convinced me of it. I told her I wanted to be an astronaut at first. She encouraged me and even did space themed lessons for me.
The fresh crisp air fills my lungs and I exhale dull tainted air. The sun kisses me warmer as I reminisce.
She encouraged everyone. Even after I graduated elementary school, I would always go back there to chat with her. She was still there, uplifting all their dreams with her own two hands. I remember seeing her at a lesson and I blurted out my dream to her.
“I want to be a teacher like you,” I said.
She smiled, her black eyes sparkling. “I think that’s a good idea. I’ve always wanted to suggest it to you.”
When I say my heart beat pure joy through my veins when she said that, I wouldn’t be exaggerating in the least. Thus, a dream was born. Now I have to kill that dream. How cruel.
That scene that plays so vividly in my mind catches fire like an old photograph. It takes all I have in me not to reach for it and douse the flames. I have to let go. I can always have it in the next life. Again, I can always have it in the next life. It isn’t gone. It’s just being put to rest. That’s all.
The photograph already burned my half from its picture. It slowly eats the rest of itself taking my teacher with it. Once that dream is out of my mind, it’s hard to acknowledge that my memory even existed.
I find giving up my dream of my family easier. I never had a kid or married like Jess. I just had a boy, a silly first love. I was head over heels for him but I already saw him move on. He isn’t waiting for me. People always think that when they die the world will stop spinning for them. I am learning that life moves on. Even your closest relatives and friends have to raise themselves from your tombstone and dry their tears to continue their own lives. That’s just how it is.
Again, I quickly forget what I am holding onto once I let it go. The last thread I need to cut. Love. The root of all my ambitions. I want to be loved. I want to be appreciated and noticed. Can a dead girl be so selfish to have these things? Can a murdered girl have these thoughts?
I shake just thinking of never being loved the way I wanted. But I guess we may never get what we want, huh?
It is only here where tears fall. I hug myself and tell myself it’s alright in my head over and over like a mantra. I hold my heart and a whimper passes my lips. Just before I decide that it’s too much, two strong arms hug me from behind.
“I lied before,” He starts. “They’re many reasons someone would like you. I took my teasing too far,”
I thought I would want to push him away. To shove him and watch him fall over the roof counting the seconds it takes for him to hit the ground. Strangely, I don’t want to do any of that. I find myself leaning into his embrace.
“It’s okay,” Death whispers, rocking us. “Whatever it is, you can let it go.”
“Can I?” I whisper. I am open, vulnerable, raw. He can destroy me in this moment.
“Of course you can. Look at all you’ve done,”
I turn around and take in his face. His eyes are full of sincerity and his face is full of empathy. That’s all I need. I hug him, my face burying into his firm chest. His arms automatically take me in.
“Let it go,” Death says.
I close my eyes and tighten my grip on him. With this action, I let it go. My heart catches fire in my chest. The heat goes through my body with a strong current. It’s not as gentle as before. It is borderline painful.
I take deep breaths and ground myself. My feet dig into the stone beneath them. My hands on Death’s arms to keep myself steady.
“It’s done,” I manage “What is the next step?”
“You need to rest. That was a lot Anwen,”
“I need to do something,” I say “I can’t stay like this. I need to work. What else did you tell me that I need to do?”
Death doesn’t say anything. His eyes are lit up in concern. “You need to take a break,”
“No, I don’t want a break. I can handle it,” I say, through tears. “You said I needed to do the third step. I did it. You said something else, didn’t you?”
His hands drop from my mid back to my hands. He sighs. “I did,”
“What was it?”
His lips press together as he swallows hard. “Y-Your death. I need to know so we can deal with the hex. We need to get rid of it for a step. It isn’t for the next step so we don’t have to address it now,”
My death?
I sway, off balance. Nobody knows the full story. I am already in this state so I might as well go for the strike. I breathe in and let my voice, though small, take over.
“Okay. I’ll tell you,”
“You sure?” Death asks with a soft voice.
“What else do I have to hold on to?”
___
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