Chapter 28: Wish (Wabara’s POV)
She likes me. She actually genuinely likes me.
And I want to like her back so badly, you have no idea. But I can’t. I really can’t. After we stood in tense silence for the longest time, her strong-girl facade started to crack. I could tell she was trying to hold it in, maybe because she promised herself she wouldn’t cry or something of that sort.
She blinked a few times, her eyes watering with fresh tears. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she huffed. “Goddamn it.” She quickly looked away from me but she didn’t let go of me once. Like she was scared that if our bodies stopped touching this would really be over.
“You’re crying,” I stated.
“No shit,” she sighed, looking at me once again.
“Why are you crying?”
“I don’t want to let you go.”
Then why is she doing this?
“But I will if you don’t like me back. I have to. It’s toxic if I don’t.”
“Toxic? Is it really?”
She nodded. “We’re not together, we’re just sleeping together, and it’s hurting me so much, you have no idea. I really thought I could handle it, Wabara. That’s why I agreed to do this with you. But I can’t do casual sex. Not anymore, I’m really sorry,” she sniffled.
I grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands down.
“Wabara,” she pleaded.
I let go of her wrists, letting her arms drop to her sides and I turned away from her, walking to my room. I closed the door behind me, ignoring the way she called my name. I sat down on the edge of the bed. I didn’t lock the door, so she could still come inside. But I was hoping she’d give me a minute to get my shit together before she came to me again.
I sighed, resting my elbows on my knees and holding my head in my hands. I wish I wasn’t the way I was so I could tell her I like her and mean it. I wish she wasn’t the way she is so she didn’t fall for me and could do casual sex. This wish, that wish. Bullshit. There’s nothing I can do with those wishes, they won’t come true. I have a situation where I have a choice to make. I better hurry then. I sighed, sitting upright and starting to think about this logically now. I’m horrible for her. Absolutely horrible. Even if I tell her I like her and we get together in a relationship, I’ll never be able to emotionally satisfy her.
She wants love, she wants someone who cherishes her, she wants to be adored. I can’t do that for her. I can use, I can throw away, I can make her feel worthless. And I’m not sure, but maybe I can even cheat.
The door opened and she walked in, closing it softly behind her. She leaned against the door and didn’t come anywhere near me. Until I looked up at her. She had more tear stains on her cheeks. She walked over and sat down beside me, hugging my arm. But neither of us said anything.
I turned to look at her. “What do you want me to say, Indie?”
“You’re a logical person, Wabara. I want you to say and do what you think is right. Whatever you want.”
“What’s right and what I want are two very different things.”
It clicked in her eyes. She realized that I wanted her just as much as she wanted me. But that’s not the right thing to do. “Why isn’t what you want the right thing?” she asked.
“I’ll hurt you. Bad.”
She let out a shaky breath and kept her eyes locked with mine. “But I want you,” she said, her voice wavering.